Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Holy sore nipples Batman
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
