Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Princesses don't give blow jobs
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
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