community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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