your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
