I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
