my mouth tastes like poor choices
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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