Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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