My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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