Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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