Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I am mentally ready for anal.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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