I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You ate ashes out of my bong
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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