I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
