apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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