is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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