Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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