goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
