hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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