Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
