And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
