I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
