Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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