there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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