I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
