I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
