Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
