omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
