So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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