I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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