I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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