ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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