Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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