You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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