I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
