I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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