I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
