i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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