The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
