I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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