my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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