I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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