I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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