Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(586): View more from Michigan

My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.

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(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

Fav 58 1592 13527
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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

Fav 15 1812 4761
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(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

Fav 12 6072 1446
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(516): View more from New York

do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?

Fav 6 3048 1235
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(504): View more from Louisiana

Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.

Fav 9 3146 1113
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(407): View more from Florida

I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.

Fav 6 1829 948
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(989): View more from Michigan

My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.

Fav 2 670 391
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up

Fav 0 21 38
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