I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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