so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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