i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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