I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
