I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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