It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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