My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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