In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
